There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You Might Also Like
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.