There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.