Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.