@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: You are so rude… I just hate you sometimes. When you die I’m gonna dance on your grave!

Me: Not with those fat ankles!

@9GAG

The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false…

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@guyrleech

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@somecleverthing

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

@Babasnookie

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS