There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I see your IQ test came back negative
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?