There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
🐕🍷
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?