There’s always that one guy
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?