“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.