There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
How times have changed.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.