Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.