There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
🍞🦆
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.