There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.