happy mother’s day❤️
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
happy valentine’s day to me
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!