@_itspat_

There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

@chuuew

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

@LurkAtHomeMom

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

@Fred_Delicious

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

@EndhooS

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

@Daddyissues__

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.