Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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