There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
the icebreaker
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now