My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*