“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”