@BeardedRambles

There’s either a cat with a lampshade on its head here or I’m really drunk.

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@Pidgers28

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

@comfynumb2012

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

@cervixsmash

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@clichedout

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@NewDadNotes

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

@FunnyTunes

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!