“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You Might Also Like
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
me as a parent
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick