@deloisivete

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

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@MoodyBlx

People who own Hummers and Range Rovers, what’s the thinking here? “I might have to drive up to Iraq for a weekend?”

@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

@InternetHippo

All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news

@ficklenuts

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

@AmoNickk

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@TheHyyyype

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

@dmc1138

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.