There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

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People who own Hummers and Range Rovers, what’s the thinking here? “I might have to drive up to Iraq for a weekend?”


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.


All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news


HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-


I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere


[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.


This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.