there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.