there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I remember when things only cost an arm.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.