There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Thursday Thought.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.