My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You Might Also Like
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family