Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KendalPeifer

my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it

@the0dyss3y

dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.

@glo_stevens

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

@fro_vo

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

@thejessbess

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@AndyJokedAgain

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

@Sleinso

Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.

@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@mom_tho

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter