@thevicarious83

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

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@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

@iwearaonesie

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

@LizerReal

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.