@pinupteacher
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
@thevicarious83
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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@pinupteacher
@djdarrellripley
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
@Jay1972Jay
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
@simoncholland
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
@DsTwitz
If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.
@GianDoh
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
@abbycohenwl
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
@CAshmanActor
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
@dadmann_walking
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
@roxiqt
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job