@thevicarious83

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

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@pinupteacher

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.

@djdarrellripley

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

@simoncholland

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

@DsTwitz

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

@GianDoh

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@CAshmanActor

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job