Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.