my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.
Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter