There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

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A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic


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me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?


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The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.