There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

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I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.


My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.


I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.


Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way


TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’


I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.


DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job