There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

You Might Also Like


It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.


The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza


The internet has literally everything you need. Except a hairdresser with 2 metre long arms. Not that.


How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?


Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?


The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.


It’s like my dad always said: “Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.”


[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”