There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.


Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself


[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito


Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.


One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”


ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor


My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?


i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers