@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

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@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

@DaddyJew

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

@JamieGreenlees

The internet has literally everything you need. Except a hairdresser with 2 metre long arms. Not that.

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?

@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@julianpopov

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

@paulrobalino

It’s like my dad always said: “Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.”

@vineyille

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

@amusedkerching

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”