There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
You Might Also Like
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?