There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”


Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?


I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.


Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.


For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.


Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.


KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.


“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.


Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.