@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

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@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

@thatdutchperson

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

@dubstep4dads

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

@MartaEffing

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@NYorNothing

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

@electrolemon

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers