If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?