I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
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*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
How do dragons blow out candles?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Planet of the Apps.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!