there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.