netflix: are you still there?
me: i’m literally not allowed to leave
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[in a burning building]
Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down
Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..
JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]
me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”
*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*