There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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Storm Tropical Storm
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online