if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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umm…
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email