There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Never forget.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.