Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”