There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.