There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
goldfish mafia
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My god she’s good.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.