There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
You Might Also Like
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Please do it!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video