There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.