when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?
Not all heroes wear capes…
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.