There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*