@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

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@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

@TheHyyyype

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

@decentbirthday

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@GrandadJFreeman

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.