There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I am also baked goods
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Smile they said.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.