There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.