There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.


I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head


Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that


Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.


Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King


Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.


Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.


wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*


Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow