My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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mom can you come get me people are getting engaged
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow