@Humor_Fetish: There's no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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@ThePaaawnShop: Her: I <3 you. Me: I... I sideways balls you too.
@Boozemunkee: Me flirting: so, who’s your favorite serial killer?
@yendys1: Oh you like Oreos? Name five of their albums. And I'm talking their obscure shit like watermelon, none of this main stream birthday cake shi
@UncleDuke1969: [reptile house] Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake? Wife: Sure! Me: Oh, so it's okay when HE asks?!?
@iwearaonesie: dad: I can't find my glasses, can you read what this says for me? me: "Dad do you want to go to Home Depot" dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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