I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me