@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

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@NotJPo

Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@jonnycarr1974

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

@RandomAntics

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

@MichaelTrying

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

@Lhlodder

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.