@MoistPork: There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
@ThisLocalHater: If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy. For example: Her panties were muggy af.
@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@Dustinkcouch: mugger: give me your money me: what service do u provide mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug me: how much do u charge mugger: ...all. all ur money me: be honest with yourself. mugger: $10. me: mugger: $7? me: deal