There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong