@SardonicTart
@joejwest
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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@joejwest
@Super_Cynthia
[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
@lecalabara
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
@Maxine12339
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
@Soberphobiccc
Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
@mishakey
Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
@fart
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
@Barack_and_Joe
When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
@FeelingEuphoric
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
@tastefactory
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.