@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

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@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

@ksecaw

[guy behind me observes my groceries]

– frozen meals
– fruits
– vegetables
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk

Guy: you must be single

Me: haha, how did you know?

Guy: you’re ugly.

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@Jamberee13

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

@PatsATweetin

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@WheelTod

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.