@GetCougarized: Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.

@heyitsJudeD: A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right?? Imguana see myself out

@panmidwest: [BAR] Me: What do you recommend? Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi- M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.

@HeyoShellz: You can't change a person unless they wear adult diapers