look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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[guy behind me observes my groceries]
– frozen meals
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk
Guy: you must be single
Me: haha, how did you know?
Guy: you’re ugly.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I have eaten
and cut open
I really thought
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.