@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

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@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@Super_Cynthia

[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]

@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@Maxine12339

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@fart

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

@Barack_and_Joe

When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.