There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.