MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.