There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet