There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.