stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
bury ourselves
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish