There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Always a metermaid never a meter
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.