There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
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PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.