I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..
Ain’t no sandwiches either.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.