@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

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@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@IamEveryDayPpl

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@ShootyDoody

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

@Nikkeya08

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@CopBroughtPizza

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@ADHDeanASL

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said