@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

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@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@VanVeenB

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

or sandwiches….

Ain’t no sandwiches either.

@abbycohenwl

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

@sickipediabot

Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear

@PickleRudd

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.