There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Breaking news:
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016