There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.


The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…


Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?


Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.


Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger


I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite


I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”


and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE


friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said