*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
You Might Also Like
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m already scared
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both