There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.

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[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea


I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.


Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*


My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.


1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.


When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question


ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.