MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.
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I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.