there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.